It is only when someone looks back at us that we know we exist. I learned this the first time I drove across Australia. It was decades ago and I wanted to see how long it would take.
FYI, 60 hours. Five days straight, 12 hours a day.
When I looked across the land I was eternal. No me. Nothing looking back at me. No tree. No big sign. No hill. Nothing between the internality of being and the horizon to halt my gaze and peer back at me as if to say, ‘I see you, you exist’.
I noticed this again on the first Camino walking across the meseta, which is no outback but at that time was three empty days’ walk that was wide and hot and flat. The Europeans were discombobulated and jumped on the first bus. The Australians grumbled about the endless days, but it wasn’t the never-never they couldn’t bear.
This week I experienced the gift of someone looking back. Writing group participant – psychologist Di Frost – asked if we could chat about the foundations of my work. She then wrote up our conversation and shared it with our writing group.
I was surprised to find myself looking in the mirror. Through Di’s gift of reflection I understood my own work. It exists. Through the writing of her understanding of my work Di also gained insight into her own work – an abridged version of Di’s reflection is as follows:
“Steph described our longing to tell our story, to raise our voice, as a need for ‘self-aligned visibility in the world’. This led on to the topic of shame, and the difference between shame and guilt. Steph defined guilt as feeling bad about something we can take action on, for example, apologise, make amends, etc. Shame is the belief ‘Iam wrong’ or ‘I am unworthy’.
“When we write, we can heal shame, but as Steph says, it is not the writing that helps us overcome shame, it is the risking. We risk visibility.
“We risk others seeing what we’ve written. The risk is terrifying – we can feel it in our bodies. Those of us in the Ultreia writing groups risk and post our writing despite the body’s screams, and then we are validated and commended by the others for our bravery.
“Our bodies realise it is not so terrifying to reveal ourselves, and we overcome. We have released this tiny piece of shame from the body that causes us to hide from the world and we have become more self-aligned, more visible in the world.
“Steph’s model of wellbeing-through-writing includes four, non-linear stages – longing, overcoming, claiming and home-ing. Steph also says that in the overcoming we realise we don’t have to hide and that there’s no such thing as asking for too much. She says when we get to the claiming stage we feel landed, solid.”
And there we have it folks. It doesn’t matter what we write about, writing languages our living, and almost everyone needs guidance, encouragement and support to write what matters to them, i.e., self-aligned languaged visibility.
The writing groups give people the opportunity to practice being seen in a small pocket of people. These are beautiful, sacred moments. Someone is looking back. We exist.
Here’s the model – it’s the energetics of what we do in the writing programs, and the ever-present dynamics in every journey we undertake when we act for our longing in this life.
A post for those who are interested in the mystery of the work.
Stephanie Dale is an award-winning journalist, author, researcher and founder of the International Wellbeing-through-writing Institute. In 2014 she launched The Write Road, a wellbeing-through-writing initiative for rural and remote Australians. She is passionate about pilgrimage, and in 2017 initiated Walk&Write holiday writing adventures.